Dating with herpes

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It hurt to walk, and I couldn't use soap anywhere near my genital area. Recognizing Herpes Herpes is a sexually transmitted disease STD caused by a virus called Herpes Simplex. But that's all it is -- a disease. Herpes brought us together, but it's the met, laughter, and good times that keep us close. Did you disclose any sexual health issues before you had sex with each new partner and ask about his or her own history. Borrowing a trick from our teenage selves, we grabbed a blanket and hunted down a secluded enough solo of the campus softball field. But Andy and I were resourceful kids, and we weren't dating with herpes to give up on two months of sexual tension.

A few years ago, back when I was regularly trolling OKCupid for dates, I received a message from a potential paramour. He'd been scanning through the survey answers associated with my profile, and one response in particular gave him pause: when asked whether I'd consider dating someone with herpes, I'd responded no. For me, the question had been something I'd quickly checked off back when I was 21 and first joining OKCupid and, I should note, far more ignorant about STIs. It wasn't some carefully considered stance on sexual transmitted infections, or grand statement about herpes. For him, however, it was a potential deal breaker: As you've probably figured out by now, my suitor was a member of that vast group of sexually active adults who've been infected with herpes. The internet was for people with incurable, but highly preventable, STIs like herpes simplex virus HSV who wanted to date while being open about their status. That OKCupid question was, in theory, a way to suss out potential partners with positive feelings about the HSV+. There's no question that these sites which have even spawned their own are a fantastic demonstration of how innovative online dating platforms can be. But even as they bring together a number of people living with STIs, they don't seem to do much to improve general education about living with herpes and other STIs. And as a result, people going online in search of connection and support often end up feeling stigmatized, isolated, and more alone than ever. So what does help? Not surprisingly, education, honesty, and openness. And in the beginning, that seemed to be the case. Hoping to improve her prospects, or at least connect with people in a similar position, Ellie turned to the internet. But despite the promise of community and support, she found that STI-focused dating sites just made her feel worse. Positive Singles markets itself as an open forum for dating, but in practice can feel more like a cliquey support group. More troublingly, the sites seemed less likely to unite people with STIs than to divide them into cliques. This is not to say herpes condemns you to a depressing, dateless existence. It's just that corralling people with STIs into a corner of the internet, while making no attempt to improve education around the reality of what an STI diagnosis actually means, doesn't really do much to change the situation. MPWH might offer community in the form of blogs and forums, but since much of the content is user-generated, the site's tone is set by panicked people who are convinced they're dating outcasts—rather than, say, a calm, knowledgeable expert there to educate and reassure the site's members that everything is okay. MPWH staff do contribute posts to the site, but they can be poorly written and full of misspellings, hardly an encouraging sign for site members. A staff post from the Meet People With Herpes forum. As a result, these sites merely serve to segregate people who have herpes from people who don't or don't admit it , further cementing the erroneous idea that a common viral infection somehow makes a person permanently unfuckable—when, in fact, a combination of medication, condoms, and avoiding sex during outbreaks can make sex with herpes certainly much safer than sex with someone who blithely assumes they're STI-free. So what does help? Not surprisingly, education, honesty, and openness about the topic of herpes. Despite their initial fears, both Ellie and Ann have gone on to have awesome sex with amazing people—none of whom they found by explicitly seeking out other people with herpes. That's the other problem with sites like MPWH: they assume that people with STIs need a specialized dating site, when plenty HSV+ folk are able to find love or just some good old fashion fucking the same way everyone else does. It's worth noting that it can take some time to get to the point where you're comfortable dating in the wild with herpes: Ellie found that dating European men, who in her experience are less burdened by cultural baggage around herpes, helped her regain her confidence.

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